One of my favorite quotes is, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
Many of us get stuck in patterns of thoughts and behaviors that prevent us from getting where we want to be in life. For example, I would very much like to get married someday, yet I’ve frequently dated unavailable men. Mr. Unavailable comes in many packages: Flaky Fred (“I’ll call you tomorrow”…not), Push Me-Pull You Paul (“You’re so wonderful – I don’t want to see you”), Missing-in Action Mike (“I really like you…guess I’d better never contact you again”), Workaholic Will (“I’d love to get together, but I’m so busy at work”), and Commitment-Phobic Chris (displays characteristics of all of the above).
A month ago, I experienced the same pattern. I connected with a guy that I really liked who also really liked me. As soon as we started to get close, “Poof!” he emotionally and physically disappeared. In the past, I would have felt angry or hurt, and I would’ve kept trying to reconnect. This time, fortunately, I saw the dynamic for what it was: an old pattern that I’m ready to shift. I’m done with unavailable men, of any variety. I’m ready for a man who adores me and can’t wait to explore the world by my side.
In my experience, I’ve found that letting go of old patterns is a three-part process, no matter what the pattern is:
Step 1: Name the unhelpful issues that you want to release. After this guy blew me off, I grabbed a piece of blank paper and a marker and wrote down the dynamics with men that I’m ready to get rid of. “Men who can’t love me”…“Men who don’t appreciate me”…“Men who unfairly blame me,” “Men who are scared of intimacy”…etc.
Step 2: Identify where in your psyche these unhelpful dynamics are “hooking in.” Holding the paper, I closed my eyes, as old, childhood fears of feeling unlovable and wanting to please my father bubbled to the surface. I also realized that I needed to have more faith: I wouldn’t be wasting my time with unavailable men if I fully trusted that someone much better was soon heading my way.
Step 3: Physically release the old patterns with internal and/or external actions. Closing my eyes again, I decided to do a couple of visualization exercises. First, I imagined a giant vacuum cleaner in the sky sucking out of my body all of the pain I’d experienced in relationships, then exploding into vapor after it was full. I next visualized a large trap door dropping open beneath my tailbone, as I dumped out all of the underlying “hooks” through that garbage chute, incinerating them in the fiery center of the earth. After emptying out the negativity, I imagined a “shower” of pure, white light streaming down through the top of my head, filling me with the loving energy of a caring, loyal partner. Finally, I pinched the paper with a pair of tongs, picked up my barbecue lighter, and torched the sucker.
In the future, when I encounter Mr. Unavailable, I have confidence that I’ll clear him out of my system even more quickly. If it’s similar to shifting my other patterns, soon, I won’t even feel attracted in the first place.
The key to busting old patterns lies in truly being ready for something better. As a Jewish proverb states: “Change takes but a moment. Resistance to change can take lifetimes.”
© 2011 by Laurie Gardner