Why are we so intense in our culture? Why do we tend to work so hard and take ourselves and life so seriously? What happened to our carefree days of childhood, when we would spend all day playing, laughing, and eating? Perhaps school squashed the lightness out of us, perhaps our families did, or perhaps both. How do we regain it back? How can we have passion for all that we have and do in life, but with lightness and joy?
As I discussed in the last blog, one of the necessary ingredients is healthy boundaries. When you know where your personal boundaries are, and you’ve learned when to honor them and when to push them, you free up your energy to experience joy. Instead of always defending or giving away your territory, you have more time and capacity to relax and have fun.
Another key factor is balance. Workaholics will tell you that they work so hard because they’re so passionate about their work. This may be true, but their lives are out of balance. How many workaholics are lighthearted, fun-loving people? Not many. They’re too stressed out, busy, and worried about each little thing that needs to get done. I believe that true passion allows for a balance between work and play, relationships and activity. In other words, it’s possible to be extremely passionate about all aspects of your life, without any of them “weighing” on you.
Yet another important element is perspective – not taking ourselves or life too seriously. I’m not advocating that we sail through life superficially, never fully experiencing or appreciating the darker emotions of life. Painful experiences and emotions must not be brushed off lightly or repressed. All emotions must be felt to their depth. However, the key to maintaining lightness is not to get stuck in the pain, not to dwell on things ad nauseam. For example, if you make a big mistake, it’s important to emotionally feel the guilt or remorse, intellectually mull over what you can do better next time, and apologize to the necessary parties. However, once through that process, it’s equally important to forgive yourself and move on. Don’t let anyone else keep you stuck in the mire either. Life is meant to be a joyful adventure, not a continuous punishment act.
If you find yourself taking yourself or life too seriously, here are a few things you can try to pull yourself out of it:
• Go find something or someone that lightens you up. Turn on a stand-up comedy DVD; hang out with your most cheerful, optimistic friend; keep a funny photo or object by your bed that makes you smile, etc.
• Let yourself get really morose and think about all the ways your life situations could be even worse. Really go there. By the time you’re done working yourself into the bottom of that hole, you’ll start to get perspective on your current life and realize that it’s not so bad after all.
• “Fake it ‘til you make it.” Force yourself to go out and be social. Smile and chat with people superficially. If you’re sad or upset about something, tell yourself things will be better tomorrow, even if you don’t yet believe it in your heart. Soon, you’ll feel your spirits lifting despite yourself.
• Start to think of one tiny thing that could make you feel lighter. Don’t try to take a huge leap, just take one small step toward a more positive outlook. For example, if you’re obsessing about difficult financial issues, don’t promise yourself you’ll win the lottery tomorrow and that your life will magically get better. Instead, perhaps be thankful for your loving family and friends. Appreciation is a great way to bump yourself out of heavy energy and back to a place of lightness and joy.
• If you’re beating yourself up for something you did or said or are otherwise taking yourself too seriously, imagine yourself as a small, innocent child. What would you say or do to that child? Would you verbally castigate it, physically punish it? Probably not. You’d probably give it a big hug and a kiss and gently, lovingly steer it back to the right path.
Most of all, remember that you don’t have to DO anything to be worthy and lovable. At the root of many cases of people living overly intense, joyless lives, they’re trying to prove something to someone, perhaps stemming back to their relationship with their parents. Always remember that you’re lovable for who you are, even when you’re sitting there like a lump doing absolutely nothing. You deserve to experience passion without pain, intensity without heaviness and burden. So go ahead and lift your head away from the grindstone, crawl up out of the tunnel, and come play in the light! I promise your work and troubles will always be there waiting for you…It’s recess time, children!
© 2008 by Laurie Gardner