Only a few days after New Year’s, stores are already displaying gifts for Valentine’s Day. Meanwhile, several people are still “recovering” from the holidays, whether spent with loved ones or alone. Perhaps that’s why I’m having so many conversations lately about intimacy. Most of the discussions have centered on the best way to connect with others.
“How can I develop real, lasting friendships?” wondered Sarah.
“I’ve never felt close to my family,” admitted Matt.
“Are there other ways to get on a deeper level besides through conversation?” asked Ted.
“Maybe we only truly show our souls to each other during sex,” suggested Diana.
James’ question was the most fundamental: “How would you define ‘intimacy’ exactly?”
Humans are social animals, and even the most independent of us crave at least some connection to others. When we become disconnected, we often feel lonely and depressed. Therefore, learning how to be our real selves with someone else is an essential human skill. That may sound overly obvious, but you’d be surprised how many of us are struggling with this primary human endeavor.
I would describe intimacy as openly sharing our hearts with another, without fear or judgment. There are many types of intimacy, both sexual and platonic. From my perspective, it’s important not to confuse the various ways of becoming intimate with intimacy itself.
To explain what I mean, I’ll use a parallel from world religions. Hinduism believes that there are different ways to connect with God, based on personal tendencies. For those who are more intellectual, there is jnana yoga, connection through knowledge. For those who operate more from their hearts, there’s bhakti yoga, the way through love. Those who need to be more active and hands-on can choose karma yoga, the work path. Finally, there is raja yoga, the way through meditation. Many people “mix and match,” as we often combine some or all of these ways of connecting spiritually.
Similarly, I believe there are many paths to connecting intimately with other human beings. Some people are more intellectual, reading books, analyzing their experiences, and processing their understandings with others as a way to feel close. Others achieve intimacy through action, by doing things for the ones they love and wanting things done for them. Still others take the heart-centered path, experiencing connection by expressing their honest feelings and having them truly heard. Just as the Hindu paths to God may overlap, many of us adopt a mix of vehicles to becoming intimate with other people.
“Do two people have to have the same way of approaching intimacy in order for their relationship to work?” James asked insightfully.
In my experience, some people do indeed need someone who shares their approach in order to feel comfortable enough to open up. For example, I have some close friends who will only express their true feelings if the other person also shows his or her real self. Likewise, some folks in my family don’t feel fully reassured that there’s mutual caring unless both parties engage in outward displays of affection.
Meanwhile, I’ve also found that people with different approaches to intimacy can still deeply connect. In order for that to happen, two things must occur. First, each party must recognize that not all people show love and experience closeness in the same way. Second, they must acknowledge and accept the other person’s way as being equally valid.
As a positive role model, I look to my friends Susan and Jake, who have been together for many years. Susan connects through the heart, feeling close by exchanging experiences and emotions. Jake is a doer, preferring to give and receive through tangible actions. At first, Susan feared that Jake didn’t trust her, because he wasn’t fully opening up. Jake feared he didn’t have the ability to be intimate, because he wasn’t comfortable sharing his feelings. Once they realized that they each experience closeness in a different way, a big shift occurred.
Now happily married, Jake and Susan have learned to understand and appreciate each other’s way of showing love. Susan now knows that the easiest way to connect with Jake is by doing things together, such as fixing the roof or cooking dinner. Jake, in turn, has learned that the best thing he can do to draw Susan closer is to listen to her intently and try his best to answer any direct questions she may have about his feelings. They’ve also discovered that timing is a key factor in intimacy. Knowing that Jake has low blood sugar and loses focus before he’s eaten, Susan always waits until after a meal to engage him in a deeper conversation. Likewise, Jake knows that Susan works hard at her job, so he doesn’t ask her to help with demanding projects if she’s had a difficult week. Each is still on their own intimacy path, but traveling it in a way that bridges across to their partner’s needs.
In sum, there’s no right or wrong way to experience intimacy with someone else, whether through the same or different understandings and approaches. The important thing is to be honest with yourself and others about what you need. Above all, keep your eye on the prize: mutual trust, love, and understanding.
So go ahead and buy those Valentine’s Day gifts, whether or not you’re feeling particularly close to other people. Don’t forget to buy something nice for yourself. Better yet, wait until the day after Valentine’s Day and buy everything on sale. By then, they’ll already be putting out the Easter bunnies…
© 2010 by Laurie Gardner