In difficult situations, it’s often hard to know whether to stay in the situation or walk away, emotionally or literally. Playwright Tennessee Williams advises, “There is a time for departure even when there’s no certain place to go.” On the other hand, Buddhist nun Pema Chodron recommends that we “sit in the fire” until our powerful urges to run away or strongly react pass us by.
So which is the more sage path – staying or leaving – and how do we know at any given time? On the side for staying, we often leave people or situations too quickly when we feel uncomfortable, due to lack of patience or overreacting. We tell ourselves, “I shouldn’t have to deal with this!” and we either remove ourselves or seek to force circumstances to go in another direction. In these cases, we may deprive ourselves of learning the lessons that the current situation is trying to teach us. Also, in our hurry to control our lives, we may drive the outcome to a result that is less beneficial than what might have unfolded naturally with a little more time.
On the side for leaving, many of us stay too long: in relationships where we are not honored, cherished and nurtured; in jobs that bore us, work us too hard, or where we feel inadequate; or in other situations that are less than healthy, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. It’s especially easy to get sucked into staying when the person or situation alternates between being difficult and doable or pleasurable. During the up cycles, we think, “This isn’t so bad,” or maybe even, “This is pretty good.” However, it’s usually not too long thereafter that we experience another down swing and then think, “I need to get away from here!” Another way to easily get caught up in staying is when the situation isn’t intensely bad in any given moment, but over time, is killing us slowly. I think of the example of the boiled frog: If you put a frog into boiling water, it’ll jump out of the pot immediately. However, if you put a frog into lukewarm water and slowly turn up the heat, it’ll stay in the pot and boil to death. In cases where we stay too long, staying keeps us small. We prevent ourselves from coming into our full power, being with people and in situations that make us feel expansive, happy, and alive.
So, how do we know whether to sit in the fire or leave, especially when the future is unclear? One thing is certain: the answer does not lie in your head. Difficult situations do not get resolved through “analysis paralysis.” You’ll likely only find yourself becoming increasingly confused, frustrated, or anxious if you try to intellectually weigh all of the pros and cons of an emotionally charged decision. Also, while it’s often helpful to get advice from friends, family, and other loved ones, only you know what’s best for yourself.
In order to get to what’s best for yourself, you must dive down to the level of your intuition. In order to hear your “gut voice,” you must make time to get quiet and centered. Making a plan of action when angry, upset, or antsy will almost always lead to a reaction rather than a well thought-out decision. If, while sitting quietly and breathing or lying calmly in bed, your intuition tells you that you need to have patience and stick things out a bit longer, then that’s your answer. If, while centered, your inner voice tells you it’s time to “get out of Dodge,” then that is what you should do.
If you just can’t seem to hear your inner voice to decide whether to stay or go, or make any other important decision for that matter, here are three other tricks to try. First, imagine someone putting a gun to your head and saying, “Tell me your decision right now, or I’m going to kill you!” What would you choose? It’s amazing how quickly we can access our gut feelings when we have to make a snap decision.
Second, when folks say to spiritual teacher Debbie Ford, “I don’t know what to do,” she immediately responds, “If you did know…?” Amazingly, 10 out of 10 folks are able to instantly respond, answering their own questions. Lastly, Alan Cohen, another wonderful personal growth guru, suggests that people flip a coin. Assign one possible decision, e.g. staying, to heads, and the other choice, e.g. leaving, to tails. When you flip the coin, the important part is not which side the coin lands on, but how you feel about the side that turns up. That will give you a big clue as to what you really want or need to do.
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© 2008 by Laurie Gardner